Notice to Black Artists: Your Services Are No Longer Needed
We regret to inform you that the need for your services will
soon come to an end as we enter a critical restructuring period.
Fortunately, after having spent nearly a century meticulously studying
your art, language, fashion, and lifestyle, we have learned enough to
confidently move forward without your assistance.
We thank you
for your contributions but have decided to make some necessary changes
as a result of your decreasing value. Focus groups show that consumers
are looking for more relatable images. While 2013 marked the first time
in Billboard’s 55 year history that there were no black artists on the
Hot 100 chart, this was a great year for us with Justin Timberlake,
Robin Thicke, and Macklemore claiming the #1 spot on the R&B/Hip-Hop
chart, proving that market demands are shifting.
Consequently, in the next few months, we will be gradually phasing out
your positions as we finalize this reorganization. In the meantime, we
ask you to continue with business as usual, training your replacements
Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber until instructed otherwise. Your severance
package includes a lifetime supply of Air Jordans, unlimited access to
reruns of “Love and Hip Hop”, a new 30 piece Tom Ford wardrobe, and the
latest iPhone. Your medical coverage will be provided through ObamaCare.
We want you to know that your termination is in no way a statement
about the quality of your work with us.
As such, we would like
to acknowledge your outstanding contributions to the industry over the
past decades. In music, we’d like to thank Kendrick Lamar’s
thought-provoking body of work which has opened the door for Macklemore,
a shining example of what intelligent rap looks like. In business, Jay
Z’s partnership with Samsung was historical as the Korean mobile company
paid the rapper a mere $5 million and his company Roc Nation, another
$15 million, a bargain deal relative to their standard annual $4 billion
marketing budget and $220 billion net worth.
while Kanye West may be experiencing difficulties launching his own
brand, his loyalty to European designers continues to add value to an
already thriving industry that other entertainers like Migos seem to
enjoy promoting for free. In cinema, “The Butler” and “12 Years a Slave”
were Oscar-worthy gems, showcasing the strength and pride of a
resilient people. We understand that this year, you will continue this
tradition of inspiring historical films with the May release of “Belle”
and the History Channel’s forthcoming reboot of the groundbreaking 70′s
televised series, “Roots”.
Your work did not go unnoticed as
it has inspired us to produce new historical movies of our own,
depicting our rich cultural heritage. Upcoming releases include: * “Son
of God” produced by reality TV pioneer Mark Burnett and starring Diogo
Morgado * “Noah” starring Russell Crowe * “Exodus” starring Christian
Bale as Moses * “Mary, Mother of Christ” starring 16 year old Odeya Rush
Just as your movies depict the struggles and achievements of your best
and brightest, these powerful films are meant to inspire and remind us
of our glorious past and divine lineage. In an attempt to capitalize on
the recent trend in movies that focus on triumphs of the
African-American experience, we have recently begun developing films
with similar themes.
Channing Tatum has just been cast as the
lead in the Nat Turner Story while Scarlett Johansson is reported to
have accepted the role of Harriet Tubman in a forthcoming biopic. Like
Quentin Tarentino’s “Django Unchained”, both movies promise to offer the
perfect balance between shoot-em-up style action and social commentary
while boasting two smash-hit soundtracks featuring Eminem, Katy Perry,
and Ke$ha. Again, none of this could have been accomplished without your
unwavering commitment and dedication to our mission. We trust that your
transition will be smooth and wish you continued success with your new
journey into Electronic Dance Music. Sincerely, The industry- F. Hint -